If I won, I could take a friend. We would have walk-on parts in Star Trek Beyond. We would party with the cast at the premiere. Let me say that again.
We would party with the cast at the premiere.
I made the donation through Omaze and - as Daughter would say - bam. I was entered for a chance. The chance.
It was a solid plan.
My plan would only be served by the friend that went with me. Friend1, aka BABF. Not only is she, like me, a fanatical Trekkie, but, by way of being my BABF, can keep things quiet.
Discretion. It was essential to my plan.
My plan involved me, Karl Urban, and our progeny.
I swear I'm not a crazed stalker housewife. Keep reading. You'll see. Or have your initial thoughts confirmed. Whatever. Either way you win.
Upon winning the contest and attending the opening, Karl Urban and I would, um, you know. Have our own opening, we'll say.
Why Karl Urban, you may be asking. Well, considering I sound out of my mind, there are way more important questions you should be asking. But OK. I'll tell you why it would have to be Karl Urban.
First of all, "Rank" and "Urban" go together. Like "slumlord". And, while I find both Chris Pine and Karl Urban attractive, there's a few problems with Chris Pine. First, I amply recollect the year Chris Pine was born. This makes me, at least for my comfort, too old for him. Karl Urban, on the other hand, is also old enough to remember 1980 (thank you, IMDB).
Second, I've seen The Loft. Like me, Karl Urban does not have the Chris (Hemsworth/Evans/Pratt) Physique. But, like me, he holds his own very well - it's really not easy to have and maintain the Chris Physique. I suspect Chris Pine has the Chris Physique. Which, given his name, makes sense.
Not having the Chris Physique, and being old enough to remember Reagan being elected, I believe Chris Pine would likely kick me out of the, um, opening.
I do not harbor such thoughts about Karl Urban. I think we are on fairly equal ground. Especially if I cut out carbs and dairy for a week or two before we meet.
Third, Karl Urban and Husband have similar coloring. Easy enough to pass off progeny as Husband's.
Finally, Karl Urban has a kid named Indiana (thank you again, IMDB). As in Jones. We would get along so well.
Now, I did not want to have progeny with Karl Urban so I can move to Bever-ly. My plan was to just get him to finance the upbringing and a nanny. The hypothetical nanny would also help with my existing kids. And this would give Husband and me more time together. Brilliant, right?
I ran my plan past Husband.
He pointed out that I had one problem.
"I know," I said. "I have to get my IUD taken out."
No, Husband said. That's not it.
"Oh, well, I know I still have to win the contest," I said.
No, Husband said. That's not it either.
Then what? What could possibly be the problem with my magnificent plan?
Husband gave me a stern look. "Hi," he said. "You're married."
"I'm not asking permission," I said. I was raised by a feminist - on the likes of Marion Ravenwood and Princess Leia. I don't need my Husband's permission to violate my marriage vows, thank you very much.
Not only did Husband disagree with my opinion, but it seemed he had no interest in raising a third kid, particularly one that was not his. Not even if I promised a hot nanny. He threatened to enter the contest and bring my Friend3 if he won. Blasphemous, since neither he nor she are even remotely Trekkies.
 |
| Well, Karl Urban is married too. Can't two wrongs ever make a right? |
For what it's worth, I don't think BABF - as an avid fan of Husband - was too jazzed about my plan either. But her first loyalty is to me. She gave me her support.
Which turned out to be unnecessary. We didn't win.
A few weeks later, Husband was telling me about a work colleague. This colleague, like me, is a sci-fi/superhero nerd. Husband thought we might get along well. I asked for a physical description.
Thanks, I said. I don't think he's my type. No black hair/light eyes, no deal.
"Yeah," said Husband. "I wasn't matchmaking. You're married. To me. Have you forgotten?"
I blamed my behavior on a faulty mind-meld. He wasn't buying.
Hopefully, that defense will work if Karl Urban ever gets word of this.
The Binge
I'm going to kick it old school this week and recommend Homicide: Life on the Street. A stellar cop show, it boasts the distinction of having won several Peabody awards. Not only can you catch a young Jake Gyllenhaal (his dad worked on the show), but there's cameos from Robin Williams, Steve Buscemi, Tim Russert, and John Waters, who has a very funny exchange about Edgar Allan Poe. Sadly, it doesn't stream anywhere. But my parents gifted me with the full series - including the crossovers with Law & Order and the Homicide movie. You may borrow it. As long as you click on the ad. It's to the right.
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