Beam. Me. Up.

We are going to explore communications, or the lack thereof, within my family. Our exploration will go as deep as Alvin, delving into the ocean's abyss. Which is where a lot of my family's communiques probably wind up.

You know, it's not like they all still have flip phones. Or have VCRs that blink "12:00" for all eternity. Everyone handles computers pretty deftly. Everyone has tablets. Almost everyone texts.

Come to think of it, maybe that's the problem.

For example, last year my aunt bought a new computer. She was having trouble setting up her windows - which I don't really get because A) I'm an Apple person and B) I am completely flummoxed - and, if I'm being honest, Michael Douglas/ Falling Down ballistic- by iTunes. I mean, why do I have to connect to WiFi to download a song I purchased in 2008? Why can't it just be there? Do I really need to find a hotspot so I can hear The Divinyls touch themselves or DJ Kool clear his throat?

Anyway. Aunt and her computer. I went to her house to set up her PC. I brought Daughter with me. My plan was for Daughter to distract the members of Aunt's household so that I could work in peace.

Yes. That failed.

Daughter and Sister Beta  played with a tablet. Aunt pulled up a chair, quite admirably, to learn from me. Could I tell her she would learn nothing because I wasn't sure what I was doing? All I did was Google "how to set up windows on a PC". If those who can do and those who can't teach, I that day was total opposition.

Fortunately - for all of us - I'm great at pretending I know what I'm doing. So that's exactly what I did. Until Aunt stopped my muddling to pose a very salient question:

"What is your favorite gemstone?"

I'm not kidding.

It's diamond, for the record, because it's my birthstone. It's a lot easier to be humiliated by iTunes when you're looking at more than a few diamond rings.

To be fair, Aunt is the techie in her house. Recently, Sister Beta wanted to trade her tablet in for an upgrade. Unfortunately for her, the day she wanted to do it my mom was trying her damnedest to die. So Aunt was unable to take her for the trade-in. Sister Beta asked Uncle to take her instead. But she had one huge stumbling block.

Uncle is vehemently anti-technology.

Sister Beta called Aunt - on my cell because Aunt refused to answer hers. Uncle got on. Apparently, the tablet needed to be erased before the trade-in. How should Uncle and Sister Beta proceed?

Aunt - calmly, I think, given the situation - explained. Aunt neeeded the tablet to erase it. She could not walk them through it. Well, Uncle said, they couldn't do the trade-in without the erasure. Yes, Aunt agreed. It would have to wait.

But, Uncle pointed out, Sister Beta wanted to go today.

Well, said Aunt, then the tablet needs to be erased.

I don't know how, responded Uncle.

I know, Aunt said. That's why it will have to wait.

Then we can't go today, said Uncle.

Yes, said Aunt.

But Sister Beta wanted to go today, Uncle said.

And around they went. Four times. On my phone.

This is only marginally better than Christmas, when I decided to get Aunt a Barnes & Noble gift card. I was pretty sure my mom had given Aunt a Nook in the past year. I asked my mom if I was remembering correctly. But I was done Christmas shopping and in line at Barnes & Noble and still had no response. So I texted Aunt.

And at that moment, they both texted me back:

I mean, really?

I bought the gift card. On Christmas, Aunt said she never buys anything for her Nook. She just looks at email.

She does not like my blog.

Moving on.

Yep. That's about the size of it.

My parents have Verizon Fios. Anyone with Verizon Fios knows if you want the HD version of your channel, you press the button marked "C" at the bottom of the Verizon remote. 

My dad could not care less about HD. He is one of the few people in my family who doesn't text. He, in fact, still does have a flip phone. Not only does he refuse to use a DVD player or watch Netflix, he got angry with me when I bought my parents a Blu-Ray player and arranged to have Geek Squad do the installation.

So HD is not a necessity to his world. When he wants Channel 6, he watches Channel 6. When he wants BBC, he watches BBC - which, by the way, makes my mom nuts. She does not like BBC. They don't watch TV together. No matter. She does not like him watching BBC in the morning. She likes the Today show. My dad should be watching Today. 

But when my mom comes into the room and sees him watching TV in SD, she - by her own admission - goes nuts. She told me that she tells him to - and I quote - hit the "C".

I'm waiting for my dad to misunderstand her meaning. After all, they have a cutesy, country woods sign next to their backyard door that says "Back Door Friends Are Best".

Indeed.

Luckily for me, no one has any problem accessing my blog. Or using technology to talk to me about it.

If I can get Marvin to sing on my iTunes, I think I'll try to get my C hit.

The Binge

Game of Thrones starts in April. Watch it. It is as good as everyone says. You have 10 weeks to binge the first five seasons. That's about 60 hours. You can do it. Does anyone really need you to participate in your life that badly? 

Pair your viewing with any Ommegang Game of Thrones beer you can get your hands on. Just don't drink too much or you'll forget plot points. Or so I've heard.