Aunt already got mad at me for blogging about her ("I'm your only Aunt. Obviously it's me. And there I am. Highlighted and underlined so you can't miss it." I tried to explain hyperlinks. I was not successful). Can you imagine what my mom had to say? Actually, don't imagine. I'll tell you:
1. "I never went skinny dipping. With anyone. Neighbor is the one with dementia. Not me." Technically, it was delirium. But whatever. I didn't exactly believe that one anyway. My mom is not a skinny dipping kind of girl. Which is a really nice thing to be able to say about your mom.
2. "I don't know what I was thinking giving you that book for Christmas. It was very thoughtless of me." Hey, no puberty book for Christmas = no blog post, know what I mean?
3. "I'm smarter than you. But you're funnier." Wow. Thanks?
4. "I want to write something for your blog. I have tips for Christmas shopping online." Hmm. No. But I'll listen to what you have to say and I'll write it. Which brings us to #5:
"I don't trust you." Fair enough.
Still, she dictated to me and I took notes.
And she utterly failed to give me anything blog-worthy. I think it's revenge for everything I write about her.
Anyway, these are Momma Pope-pourri's tips for Christmas shopping online:
1. Google the gift you are searching, but check the reliability of the website.
2. Your goal is free shipping.
3. Tracking packages is great. And fun. (My dad says this has basically become my mom's obsession. But to be fair, she's only been back to driving for a week. More on that later.)
4. Do holiday cards online. This will be a novelty for only another year or two, so take advantage of it. But don't use it on, as she puts it, "the elderly" as they won't like it.
OK. That part was a little funny.
My mom has been out of the hospital for a month, unable to help with the grandkids, drive, bend over to do dishes (or anything else. Sucks to be my dad). Her first visit to her family doctor ended with the driving restriction still intact. She was not pleased. Apparently, it takes my dad a really long time to pick up turkey for their lunch.
Last week, I took her to the doctor again. As soon as I picked her up she announced that she was going to demand her right to drive be restored. Further, she believed the driving restriction was a conspiracy between me, my dad, and her doctor. She would tolerate it no further.
Now, my dad has no reason to want her housebound. He's been doing all her errands. I'm sure he received at least one complaint about The Great Turkey Delay. I mean, there's just no excuse for keeping a woman from her turkey.
And I really don't think her doctor has spent the last 20 years as her physician waiting for an excuse to revoke her license.
As for me, I did not care either way. I don't drive with her.
A few years ago I needed an endoscopy. At a hospital an hour from my house.
My mom took me. I'm not sure why I didn't wait for Husband. I just had my mom take me. No driving yourself after sedation.
As we drove home on I-95, my mom sighed despondently. She had not been able to see a THING, she said, since her eye surgery.
I reminded God I had small children to care for and closed my eyes, ostensibly to sleep off the drugs. No point in seeing your end coming if you can't stop it.
So I don't drive with her.
 |
| Nope. No skinny dipping here. Some questionable use of pool noodles though. |
Having our little chat about online shopping and whether or not she skinny dipped ("I'm desperately trying to restore my reputation thanks to what you wrote") gave me an idea for a game.
Often at our family get-togethers, we have a game. It's frequently something one of us invents. I've come up with a game for Christmas.
I will give the family a quote. And they must each decide if my mom said it while she was delirious or, well, normal.
The best part? Even my mom can play.
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