Critical Mass

I used to work with a doctor who used the term critical mass. His definition of critical mass was too much of anything bad. So a patient who had spent way too many days in ICU was said to have reached critical mass. X-ray films overflowing from their pocket on the wall had also reached critical mass.

I have been flirting with critical mass the last few weeks. I have had too much of my mom's illness. Fortunately, I have developed a simple and effective multi-step process for staving off critical mass. I call it the Critical Mass Prevention Guide. I will share it with you. I hope you never have to use it. If you do, I hope it works for you as well as it has worked for me.

First, a few caveats. One, I do not know how long one can utilize the Critical Mass Prevention Guide. I myself have applied it for almost 5 weeks. Beyond that, I do not know what happens. Your DNA may regress you back to an amoeba. You may create a rift in the universe that makes a portal in your closet which leads into Applebee's. All I'm saying is I can't make you any guarantees. Two, I do not know how well the Critical Mass Prevention Guide works if the crisis ends badly. While mine has not ended, it certainly does not seem to be heading in a bad direction. I have a fanciful belief that use of the Critical Mass Prevention Guide actually has an effect on the crisis, forces a palatable outcome. Unless I'm talking to Husband. He's far too practical to entertain such beliefs. I mean, he doesn't even believe in ghosts or psychics.

With that said, we can now review the Critical Mass Prevention Guide:

Step 1: Several days before your crisis hits, buy a case of your favorite booze. You may be tempted to have a case of booze on hand, just in case. But if you're being honest, you know that that case will be gone, and it will be gone at the moment you need it. Buying a few days ahead of time allows you to sample the wares without giving away the store. It requires prescience, sure. Hence the belief in psychics.

Step 2: Lack of time and a lousy appetite - or stress eating - can make meals during a crisis problematic. So here is my Critical Mass Prevention Guide Meal Plan:
   
Breakfast: My awesome smoothie. It is fat, sugar, dairy, and gluten free yet tastes exactly like a chocolate milkshake. Unless you regularly consume chocolate milkshakes, in which case my smoothie tastes nothing like a chocolate milkshake. Combine in a blender:
                             
2 cups of unsweetened vanilla almond milk (I know what I sound like. Just trust me here).

1 very large scoop of natural, creamy, unsalted peanut butter. You have to lick the spoon when you're done.

Half of a banana. Freeze the other half for tomorrow.
                             
6 ice cubes, 3 if you're using your frozen banana.
                             
2-3 teaspoons of vanilla extract
                             
2 tablespoons of unsweetened cocoa powder
                             
1-2 teaspoons of an unsweetened (or minimally sweetened) vanilla protein powder
                             
A shot of Godiva chocolate liquer (this part is optional; I drive my kids to school, so I skip it. So sad).

I'm pretty anal retentive, so I have to drink the smoothie from the same glass, with a straw, every day. The glass and straw need to be on the counter prior to blending. Trust me. Being anal like that will make you feel so much better.
   
Your drink of choice at Starbucks.

Lunch: A few sips of Naked Green Machine, an apple, and one (maybe two) chocolate peanut butter Kind bars (chocolate and peanut butter are vital to the Critical Mass Prevention Guide).

Your drink of choice at Starbucks, again.

Dinner:  Take out of your choice. You get to choose because it's your crisis.

Evening Snack: 2 large servings from your pre-purchased case of booze from Step 1 and one (maybe two) chocolate lava cakes. Because we're being anal retentive, the lava cake(s) must be on a small dessert plate, eaten with a small dessert fork.
   
These last two should be consumed with someone you love while watching a show of your choosing. Again, you get to pick because it's your crisis. For your convenience, I've listed my binges in a single post.

Step 3: Have sex. I know you're tired. And sad. If you're doing it with the right person, in a few minutes you'll no longer be either. Plus, you're commandeering the food choices and TV. You need to give back a little. You're also spending a lot of money at Starbucks. (Full disclosure - I failed to do Step 3 as frequently as I should have. Learn from my mistake).

Step 4: Tell your friends what's going on. Don't tell your family.

Step 5: Blame any misstep you make on the crisis. Even if you're lying, who is going to call you on it? Also, be lazy because of the crisis. Don't feel like refilling your water glass? You are having a crisis. Shouldn't the other person in the room get you more? It's important to note that Step 3 makes you less you annoying to the water-getter. Make it clear Step 3 is on the table. Maybe even do Step 3 on the table.

Step 6: Indulge, but don't fulfill, your escapism fantasies. It's OK to think about leaving everybody behind for a beach that serves pina coladas everyday starting at 10 am. Or considering a temporary drug habit. Just don't do it. Any of it. When this is over, the only thing you may have left is your character. That's when you fulfill those fantasies. If character is all you have left, everybody will understand why you're smoking pot in your hut on the beach.

Pay no heed to Everclear's words. Not yet.

Step 7: Read Stephen King or Dennis Lehane. Or both. You'll realize that you're actually fortunate because hey, there's no indestructible car trying to kill you.

Step 8: Talk crap about someone to someone you trust. It's nasty, but you're feeling nasty and it's better to do it this way than to say, flip out on the cashier at Giant. If you can't find anyone to talk to, call me. I'll listen. And I'll only repeat what you said to Husband, BABF, and my mom. And the only one of those that will repeat it has slurred speech anyway.

Good luck.