The Closet Monster

Husband and I have diverse views on everything from religion to entertainment. We even disagree on bunny rabbits - I am exploring bunnies as pets for our son, Husband would like to breed them for meat. But recently, I discovered something about Husband that has caused some strife.

I am speaking, of course, about The Closet Monster.

Husband and our children perpetually leave closet doors open, at all hours of the day. Daughter got so bad that I took the closet doors in her bedroom down and replaced them with sparkly pink curtains. It's cute, but it's flimsy protection against The Closet Monster.

One night this summer, as we prepared for bed, I was closing our bedroom closet door. It occurred to me that I do this every night. He never closes it. Ever. "One day," I scolded "you will be here alone and you will leave this door open, and The Closet Monster will get you."

Satisfied that he was chagrined enough to better consider his own safety in the future, I settled into bed. "What," he demanded, his voice staccato, "are you talking about?"

"The Closet Monster. The monster that lives in the closet and waits til you're asleep so he can get you? You have to close the door to be safe. You and the children NEVER close closets. I am the only thing that has kept you all alive. Someday I may not be here, and that's when he'll strike."

"How does The Closet Monster 'get' you?" Husband asked. "Are there male and female Closet Monsters? To perpetuate the species? How do they live in there? Do they eat?" He's infuriatingly practical.

 I, of course, don't have these answers. Nobody does. "Just because I don't know the answers doesn't mean The Closet Monster doesn't exist," I point out. "You just take precautions. I've never seen sperm, but I know they're there. Same deal."

Husband furrowed his brow as he looked at me. "There's a lot going on inside your head, isn't there?"

"Have you never seen Poltergeist or Paranormal Activity? Read Stephen King?" I said. "We haven't even begun to cover the Things that live in attics, basements, crawl spaces, and the dark!"

"And we're not going to," he said. "You have another monster to worry about." My tutorial was over. He was pretty determined to show me some sperm.

Afterwards, he turned off every single light in our bedroom, including the one in the hallway outside of our room. This was a first. I usually leave the hall light on. I tell the children it's so they can see if they need to get me at night.

There's no need to alarm them.

I keep that light on because of The Thing In The Dark.

"Uhh..Why is that light off?" I asked, a bit nervous. I couldn't see a thing.

Turns out, Husband doesn't sleep well at night with that light on. That's a hard battle to fight. He's the breadwinner. He has a demanding job. He needs his rest.

"Wh..What about The Thing In The Dark?" I asked.

"I'll protect you," he offered. Sweet, but hardly the point.

"What if you become The Thing In The Dark?" I demanded.

"You're safe," he replied dryly. "The monster won't come out. I already got lucky."

If only I could deter The Thing In The Dark so easily.